Oh, alright, maybe not all tragic, but you’ll see what I’m talking about here in a minute. Sorry, there won’t be any pictures of said Disney Junior characters, I don’t want to get sued by Disney!
I’m sure most parents can relate to the neverending viewing of Disney Junior and other cartoon channels. I personally prefer Disney Junior over everything else, so I don’t think Jonathan has even watched Sesame Street, and we don’t watch any Nickelodeon either. He doesn’t know the difference, and he loves the programming on Disney Junior, so we’re sticking with what works. I am going to have to start limiting TV time soon, though, now that he’s paying more attention to the TV.
Anyways, with all this Disney Junior on in our house all the time, my husband and I are starting to get a little crazy and morbid. There are some shows we won’t touch just because we truly like them. Jonathan loves “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse,” and I like “Henry Hugglemonster,” the “Octonauts,” and “Little Einsteins.” My husband likes “Handy Manny.” So I’m not going to be touching those because I can’t think of tragic endings for them, but other shows, whether we like them or not, are going to come under fire here, so get ready!
“Sofia the First”
This show is about a girl whose mother married the king, resulting in her “becoming a princess overnight.” This is something that little Sofia likes to remind us of in EVERY episode. Aside from this, my husband’s biggest gripe about her is that she’s “too nice.” So here’s the life we imagine she would live out:
Sofia leads a privileged life, grows up, and is ushered into an arranged marriage at 18 to some nobleman in Enchantsia. Of course, she is feeling downtrodden and depressed because she always wanted to marry for love, but THAT IS NOT WHAT ROYAL LIFE IS LIKE, SOFIA. (Unless you’re Will and Kate…go on with your bad selves, the baby is adorable.) At least not back when I imagine this is taking place, which is somewhere in the Middle Ages since she’s hanging out with trolls and a street-savvy rabbit. Moving on. Princess Amber, who we already know is a jealous little bitch, is displeased by this arranged marriage because she wanted to marry this nobleman. So she seduces Sofia’s husband, and her husband never hides that he’s in love with another woman, but they don’t get divorced because it’s the Middle Ages, and you just didn’t do that. It’s not like he’s King Henry VIII. Sofia grows into an old maid, childless, while her stepsister has three kids as her husband’s mistress, and Sofia dies a lonely soul. Poor Sofia. But come on. Life is just not sunshine and daisies with unicorns that shit rainbows. Sorry she had to learn it the hard way.
“Gaspard and Lisa”
Oh, these two…things. What the hell are they anyway? Dogs? I can’t tell. (Quick Google search tells me they are apparently dogs. That live amongst humans. What.) They both lack impulse control, and Lisa is always luckily having these great ideas that result in catastrophes. They eventually have a triumph at the end of every show, but most of the time, it’s from fixing the shit they fucked up in the first place, which they should be doing anyway. Assholes. They’re both whiny pretty much all the time, and constantly blaming the other for their various mishaps despite being “best friends.” Here is what happens to these two bitches.
Gaspard and Lisa go to school together through university, and get married. But their marriage is rocky, and one always blames the other for all the bad things that happen in the marriage. “Gaspard, I wouldn’t yell at you all the time if you’d just do the goddamn dishes for a change.” “Lisa, I wouldn’t passive aggressively leave pubes on your toothbrush if you’d just clean your shedding hair out of the bathtub every once in a while.” And on and on. So they get divorced. And then they remarry. And get divorced again. This happens four times before Monsieur Huget has enough, and threatens to shoot them both between the eyes if they don’t figure their shit out. And they divorce for good. In the meantime, they have two kids. One is white with black spots, and the other is black with white spots. Their kids, traumatized by all the dissent in their household growing up, distance themselves from their parents, and Gaspard and Lisa each die alone in a nursing home without ever finding love again because no one else will put up with their bullshit.
“Jake and the Neverland Pirates”
I just want to preface this really quick by saying that I do actually like this show, but it’s just too easy.
Jake, Izzy, and Cubby go around participating in awesome pirate adventures, get gold doubloons for solving pirate problems, and put them all into a team treasure chest. They have a little parrot, named Skully, that follows them around everywhere keeping an eye on everything, particularly Captain Hook and Smee. In my head, Skully is a pervert, and here’s why.
They become teenagers, and Izzy becomes a little harlot. Seriously, only girl on a pirate ship? We all know what she turns into. Izzy goes back and forth between Jake and Cubby. Jake because he’s the “bad boy,” and Cubby because he’s sensitive and gives her foot rubs and shit. Cubby falls deeply in love with Izzy, but can’t get past her whoring ways, and Jake treats her like the pirate wench that she is. Izzy falls in love with Jake. Nice love triangle right? Wrong! This shit is about to get out of control, Jerry Springer-style. Izzy gets pregnant, and has no idea who the baby daddy is because she’s been sleeping with everyone. Remember Skully? He’s about to get important.
Turns out, the baby daddy is definitely Cubby because Jake has been faking orgasms. Why? Well, I’m glad you asked. Turns out Skully’s been watching all these sexual shenanigans like the good voyeur he is, and Jake is sleeping with Captain Hook. WHAT?! That’s right, *sings* Jaaaaaaake aaaaand Captain Hooooook…they got a thang, going ooooon. (If you don’t know what song I’m referencing, shame on you.) Cubby ends up raising the baby because Izzy can’t stop whoring around, and Jake and Captain Hook have a gorgeous wedding on Captain Hook’s ship, but Smee is now heartbroken. (Oh, you knew he was in love with Captain Hook since the original Peter Pan.) Smee hangs himself off the end of the plank, and Tick Tock Croc eats him.
Doc McStuffins is a little girl who is a doctor to stuffed animals. Honestly, I start to think she’s like a regular doctor because she does shit like glue velcro to the back of a possum instead of sewing it on so it will last. That possum will be back, that strip of velcro is going to be gone again, and Doc is just raking in the money from all these repeat visitors because her methods are designed to fail after a specific period of time – usually a year – so these poor toys have to pay their deductible again. SHAME ON YOU, DOC.
So Doc grows up, majors in pre-med when she gets to college, and goes on to medical school at Northwestern. Well, you know how she’s been talking to these stuffed animals all this time? That never goes away. Turns out, she has schizophrenia, and Stuffy convinces her to kill her roommate by saying her roommate is trying to pull out all of Chilly’s stuffing. This, of course, leads to jail time, where she insists on taking Lambie with her because that Lambie is a little cuddle whore, and Doc seems to think she’s going to need Lambie’s cuddles in prison. This is a horrible idea, and Doc quickly turns into some other prisoner’s bitch because she’s carrying around a stuffed animal, and that just ain’t right. She successfully enters an insanity plea, but ends up in a psychiatric hospital for the rest of her life. Her stuffed animals never leave her side, and when she dies, they are buried with her.
“Special Agent Oso”
I’m not even going to fuck around with this one, because his ending is obvious. His complete and utter lack of ability to follow simple instructions results in a fiery death involving a jet plane because he didn’t listen to the instructions of how to eject the seat before he got in the plane. It crashes into the side of the mountain, and he never hits the eject button because he has completely forgotten where it is.
Those are the shows that we watch the most on Disney Junior, so there it is. These poor, poor bastards.