To be honest, the only sport that I feel like I could be an expert in might be baseball. I actually follow baseball every year, especially the Seattle Mariners, and I have a love for baseball that just far surpasses any other sport.
Until the Winter Olympics come along. I am now a goddamned expert at every Winter Olympic sport. Let’s give you the rundown.
While watching figure skating:
“Oh, man, she spun a teeny bit too fast on that triple salchow, that’s why she didn’t land that jump.” “The only way she’s going to get the score she needs is if she does a triple toe loop into a double axel.”
While watching ski jumping: “Ack! He jumped just a teensy bit too late!”
While watching the downhill alpine events: “Oh, no! If she had just gotten on the edge of her outside ski, she would have made that turn.”
While watching skeleton, luge, or bobsleigh: “Oh, oh! You can see right there where he/they didn’t go high enough up in the curve, that’s going to cost them a tenth of a second.”
Do I know what I’m talking about? Hell no. Well, I have some idea with the figure skating, but that’s mostly because I probably watch that the most outside of the Olympics since I was 12 when the Olympics were in France. Of course, we were living in Germany at the time, and our neighbors understood why I was rooting for the United States, but I absolutely had to root for Germany next or else. Don’t piss off the Germans, you guys. But I love figure skating, and I have always watched it very closely, but I’m by no means an expert. Honestly, I think this is something we probably all have in common during the Olympics, and it’s fine. It helps us to be a part of it, and it’s just another wonderful way the Olympics can bring a bunch of idiots who know nothing about these sports together. And we fucking enjoy it. USA! USA! USA!