In Which My Son Tries to Give Me a Heart Attack

The past month has been pretty eventful in the Monhollen house.  As I mentioned before, Jonathan’s personality is really developing.  Along with that, he is learning some new skills, though they are skills I was really hoping he’d save for a little later.

Every night before I go to bed, I peek in on Jonathan really quick.  It’s something I’ve done since he was a newborn, probably borne out of a need to make sure he’s okay, but now it’s mostly to gaze on that beautiful little sleepy face one more time before I turn in for the night.  So on the night in question, I crack open Jonathan’s door to peek in, and look for his face.  Instead, I find a bare bottom staring at me.  How did this happen, you ask?  Well, my very talented little guy figured out how to take off the shirt and pants of his 2-piece pajamas, and then took off his diaper.  He peed on the bed, and then moved to a corner, where he fell asleep butt ass nekkid.  In a rare stroke of luck, Paul hadn’t gone to sleep yet, so I call him into the room.  His response?  “What. The. Fuck?!”  Really, there is no other way to put it.  So of course, I had to wake Jonathan up to re-diaper him, and put too-small footie pajamas on him so I wouldn’t have to worry about him peeing on his bed all night.  Can I also add that I’m so happy that toddler mattresses are waterproof?  As of today, he still has not figured out how to unzip his footie pajamas, so here’s hoping it stays that way.

Fast forward to last Saturday.  We put Jonathan down for a nap, and there’s some bumping around as he jumps around his crib, which he often does to let off some steam before he falls asleep.  We then hear a loud THUNK!  Paul and I look at each other with sheer terror in our eyes, and Paul goes running up the stairs with me right on his heels.  I was sure we were going to find Jonathan with a broken neck on the floor in front of his crib.  We knew the day was coming soon when he’d climb out of his crib because he’s tall, and our pediatrician pointed out to me that once babies reach about 35 inches is when they start climbing out of their crib, so I’ve been waiting for this to happen in the back of my head for a couple of months now.  Paul goes to open the door to Jonathan’s bedroom, and Jonathan’s just standing there, calm as can be, getting ready to open the door so he can wander around the house because he’s a big boy now, and how dare we contain him in a little prison cell.  Of course, I come up behind Paul looking like I just had a heart attack, and as soon as he sees me, he starts wailing.  I don’t know if it’s because he thought he was in trouble (he wasn’t) or because he saw me in distress, but it took a little bit to calm him down.  Here’s the best part of the whole thing: Jonathan threw his pillow out of his crib so he’d have something soft to land on.  I know it sounds ridiculous, but that kid is too smart for his own good.

So that’s how I almost had a child-induced heart attack.  And I know it’s just going to get worse!


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